Julie Isabel Bishop (Australian Prime Minister 2016–2027)

Here’s how I suspect Julie Bishop’s side of Monday’s conversations with everybody in the Liberal Party who wasn’t either Tony Abbott or Malcolm Turnbull probably went:

‘Look, I know you hate Malcolm. I hate Malcom. The problem, you see, is that we’re supposed to have another one of those fucking elections next year, and the public doesn’t hate Malcolm. You know who they do hate?’

‘Well, yes, they do hate you. But that’s not who I’m talking about.’

‘No, not me, you idiot. Who do they really hate?’

‘Oh, for fuck’s … TONY. They hate Tony.’

‘Yes, I know you like Tony. That’s not really the poi… let’s try to retain focus here, shall we? Election. We need to win it. All of this can go away, you know.’

This. This office. This power. The perks.’

‘Well, yes, I suppose we could “leave it until the last minute”. Except, I seem to recall that has been tried before. Remember? Remember the whole reason your name is on that door in the first place?’

‘That’s right! It was an election. An election in which the other side tried to change their leader at the last moment and it was perceived as cynical.’

‘By the public. Jesus, it’s like talking to a fucking doona with you. Listen, we need to replace Tony now, so it looks like we’re doing it out of concern for public opinion.’

‘Of course we’re not. But they need to think we are. And they will. I’m telling you, they love Malcolm.’

‘Oh, fuck the Nationals. Who are they gonna call? Labor?’

‘Ah, but that’s the beauty of it. Once he wins the next election, we replace him.’

‘Well, me, naturally.’

‘Because you said it yourself, they hate you. Besides, people are starting to get wise to all these “narratives” we’ve been creating. Creating narratives is for suckers. This way, we get to use the Left’s own simplistic misogyny narrative to bat away any and all criticism. They’ve utterly convinced themselves of it now.’

‘I know, right? Talk about a freebie. Thank you, John McTernan! Put me in charge and, boom, no more “women problem” for the Libs. I’ll be untouchable. I can rule like Thatcher for a fucking decade or more.’

‘Hey, I understand your concern, but … tell you what, what’s your dream portfolio?’

‘What are the chances? That’s the same one I have set aside for you!’

‘Yes, you’re right. It is on.’

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About samquigley

I'm Sam Quigley.
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